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The New York Post's "Page Six" today has an extensive dispatch from Kimye's glamorous wedding this past weekend and it is SO. GOOD. So very, very good — you'll almost feel like you're there with Kimye et al, like the awkward guest in the 11th row who came mostly because attending a destination wedding gave you an excuse to travel and/or snap photos with the legit celebrity attendees.
It's absolutely worth reading in full, but here are the bestest of the best parts, and some appropriately crazed Kardashian GIFs to accent them:
1. Seating arrangements were a train wreck, as they are at all weddings:
"The dinner table was a long marble table. Instead of place cards, they had a team of Italian stone masons engrave the name of each guest into the marble of the tabletop in front of the individual place settings. The job was finished the night before. Unfortunately, the wedding planners had spelled some people’s names wrong. And then, so many people brought entourages, the seating was a disaster. The only people who sat at their own seats were Kim and Kanye."
"The dinner table was a long marble table. Instead of place cards, they had a team of Italian stone masons engrave the name of each guest into the marble of the tabletop in front of the individual place settings. The job was finished the night before. Unfortunately, the wedding planners had spelled some people’s names wrong. And then, so many people brought entourages, the seating was a disaster. The only people who sat at their own seats were Kim and Kanye."
2. Also carved from marble, a bunch of sure-to-be-creepy life-size nude statues:
"Four days before the wedding, they ordered 30 life size nudes to be made from black marble... but 10 of them fell apart, another 10 were too damaged in transit to put out, and of the remaining 10, four were missing their heads. They were put out around the dinner tables."
"Four days before the wedding, they ordered 30 life size nudes to be made from black marble... but 10 of them fell apart, another 10 were too damaged in transit to put out, and of the remaining 10, four were missing their heads. They were put out around the dinner tables."
3. Perhaps creepier still, though? The toilet situation:
"The biggest decorative element of the wedding was a giant gold box, 15 meters tall, which contained the bathrooms. It was situated right next to the dinner tables at the reception with a bar in front of it. According to one Italian, “Their toilet was the star of the show.” The Italians named it the Torre di Bagni Oro – translation: The Gold Toilet Tower."
"The biggest decorative element of the wedding was a giant gold box, 15 meters tall, which contained the bathrooms. It was situated right next to the dinner tables at the reception with a bar in front of it. According to one Italian, “Their toilet was the star of the show.” The Italians named it the Torre di Bagni Oro – translation: The Gold Toilet Tower."
Note: 15 meters is basically 50 feet, and even by Kimye standards, a 50 foot-high Porta Potty seems a little much. So this might be a slight translation snafu, but let's remain hopeful everything else is accurate, because it's too great not to be.
4. Kanye had his priorities in order, naturally:
"Two hours before the wedding, Kanye decided he didn’t need the 80 moving lights that he had ordered installed to light the dance floor and the party, declaring, 'I’m in the center of this party, and I’m the only one people need to see. The rest of these people don’t need lights on them.”' The lights, which had taken four days to install, were all removed."
"Two hours before the wedding, Kanye decided he didn’t need the 80 moving lights that he had ordered installed to light the dance floor and the party, declaring, 'I’m in the center of this party, and I’m the only one people need to see. The rest of these people don’t need lights on them.”' The lights, which had taken four days to install, were all removed."
5. And an aesthetic to uphold:
"[Also] when Kanye saw the 100,000 Euro audio system, described by one producer as the single best system in Europe, he said he didn’t like the look of the speakers and wanted them to be invisible. He said that 'You Italians don’t understand my Minimalist style.' So he had the entire system pulled out as the guests were arriving, and his wedding music came from an iPod until after dinner."
"[Also] when Kanye saw the 100,000 Euro audio system, described by one producer as the single best system in Europe, he said he didn’t like the look of the speakers and wanted them to be invisible. He said that 'You Italians don’t understand my Minimalist style.' So he had the entire system pulled out as the guests were arriving, and his wedding music came from an iPod until after dinner."
6. Here's why you should never invite children to your wedding:
"As for the guests: Will Smith‘s son Jaden wore a white Batman costume and ran around like a chicken with its head cut off... batting glasses off the tables whenever he came to an empty seat, smashing them on the ground. Vogue Italia’s editor in chief Franca Sozzani was getting irritated because he kept coming up behind her and throwing his cape over her head."
"As for the guests: Will Smith‘s son Jaden wore a white Batman costume and ran around like a chicken with its head cut off... batting glasses off the tables whenever he came to an empty seat, smashing them on the ground. Vogue Italia’s editor in chief Franca Sozzani was getting irritated because he kept coming up behind her and throwing his cape over her head."
7. And here's why you should always remain punctual, and/or water down the liquor:
"People arrived at the ceremony several drinks in, they had served several rounds of cocktails to the guests who waited for Kim who was 25 minutes late to the wedding. In the time between ceremony and dinner, one woman in her 50s was so drunk that she collapsed. An ambulance arrived and just as the medics got to the guest, a Justin Bieber fan, who had climbed up to the top of the Belvedere tower hoping to catch a sighting of [the singer], fell. As the Bieber fan was seriously hurt, they triaged the drunk guest, left her lying on an ottoman and went off to take care of the fallen fan. The drunk woman spent the rest of the night passed out on the ottoman."
"People arrived at the ceremony several drinks in, they had served several rounds of cocktails to the guests who waited for Kim who was 25 minutes late to the wedding. In the time between ceremony and dinner, one woman in her 50s was so drunk that she collapsed. An ambulance arrived and just as the medics got to the guest, a Justin Bieber fan, who had climbed up to the top of the Belvedere tower hoping to catch a sighting of [the singer], fell. As the Bieber fan was seriously hurt, they triaged the drunk guest, left her lying on an ottoman and went off to take care of the fallen fan. The drunk woman spent the rest of the night passed out on the ottoman."
8. Finally, a Jay Z mention:
"And the most prominent wedding gift was a giant bottle of Chianti, which had been dipped in gold, the cork replaced with a diamond, a gift from Jay Z (a no show)."
"And the most prominent wedding gift was a giant bottle of Chianti, which had been dipped in gold, the cork replaced with a diamond, a gift from Jay Z (a no show)."
It's entirely possible Beyoncé didn't send a gift, period.
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