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After a long stretch of singleness, people might be taken aback when you announce you have a new boyfriend. Hopefully they will avoid these common examples of word-vomit.
1. Oh my GODDD! That’s so GREAAAAT! Good for YOOOOU!Screeching at me like I am a three-legged, arthritic dog that somehow managed to catch a Frisbee and subsequently inspired you to live your own life to the fullest signifies that you have a pretty low opinion of me. Obviously I’m glad you’re supportive, but you shouldn’t think it’s a Triumph of the Human Spirit that I've somehow landed a male human who's willing to be exclusive.
2. Is it serious? No, stage three cancer of the bowels is serious. We’re just getting tapas together and seeing if this whole thing ~*~*~fEeLs~*~*~ right.
3. Do you think it’s gonna get serious? Not if you jinx it like that! And how do you know I want it to get serious? Once again, you are implying that I am some kind of desperate man-addled fool.
4. When was his last relationship? Well the last time he was deeply in love with a woman who wasn’t me, it was around the 12th of why the hell do I want to know about this.
5. You scoped out the ex, right? Is she pretty? I may or may not have found the ex’s Facebook. And Twitter. And LinkedIn. But talking about it is just gonna feed the beast.
6. How is he compared to [ex-boyfriend]? It’s unfair to pit him against the memory of an ex — who obviously had different strengths, penis size, weaknesses, and penis size. And penis size. Don’t make me overthink the Venn diagram of them that already exists in my brain.
7. Why haven’t I judged met him yet?? Because the last time you met a guy I was dating, you came up to him drunkenly and said, “If you mess with my best friend I will draw and quarter you.” And then he stopped texting me back.
8. Invite him to dinner with us tonight!! I am not going to throw him into a dinner comprised of five of my best female friends. That’s like tossing the weakest Roman soldier in the battalion into the Colosseum with a pack of lions.
9. Do you think he's the one? I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner.
10. Ugh, now I’ll never see you! Otherwise known as “a role reversal of what our friendship has been ever since you got into your long-term relationship.” You’re just not used to being the one whose texts go unanswered. Lick it up, Heather. Lick it up.
11. Does he have any hot friends? Let’s wait until I know the guy’s middle name before I have the “I have this amazing single friend” conversation with him, yes?
12. He doesn't seem like your type! Well, considering relationships with guys who are "my type" have always ended, it was time to switch it up. Also, is that a backhanded compliment?
2. Is it serious? No, stage three cancer of the bowels is serious. We’re just getting tapas together and seeing if this whole thing ~*~*~fEeLs~*~*~ right.
3. Do you think it’s gonna get serious? Not if you jinx it like that! And how do you know I want it to get serious? Once again, you are implying that I am some kind of desperate man-addled fool.
4. When was his last relationship? Well the last time he was deeply in love with a woman who wasn’t me, it was around the 12th of why the hell do I want to know about this.
5. You scoped out the ex, right? Is she pretty? I may or may not have found the ex’s Facebook. And Twitter. And LinkedIn. But talking about it is just gonna feed the beast.
6. How is he compared to [ex-boyfriend]? It’s unfair to pit him against the memory of an ex — who obviously had different strengths, penis size, weaknesses, and penis size. And penis size. Don’t make me overthink the Venn diagram of them that already exists in my brain.
7. Why haven’t I judged met him yet?? Because the last time you met a guy I was dating, you came up to him drunkenly and said, “If you mess with my best friend I will draw and quarter you.” And then he stopped texting me back.
8. Invite him to dinner with us tonight!! I am not going to throw him into a dinner comprised of five of my best female friends. That’s like tossing the weakest Roman soldier in the battalion into the Colosseum with a pack of lions.
9. Do you think he's the one? I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner.
10. Ugh, now I’ll never see you! Otherwise known as “a role reversal of what our friendship has been ever since you got into your long-term relationship.” You’re just not used to being the one whose texts go unanswered. Lick it up, Heather. Lick it up.
11. Does he have any hot friends? Let’s wait until I know the guy’s middle name before I have the “I have this amazing single friend” conversation with him, yes?
12. He doesn't seem like your type! Well, considering relationships with guys who are "my type" have always ended, it was time to switch it up. Also, is that a backhanded compliment?
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